


80 Things I'm no longer allowed to do on VILE Island

by Animedemon01



Category: Carmen Sandiego (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Skippy's List, vile - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 20:57:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20141884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animedemon01/pseuds/Animedemon01
Summary: Exactly what the title says.





	80 Things I'm no longer allowed to do on VILE Island

**Author's Note:**

> I was originally planing this to be a little longer, but I ran out of ideas.

  1. I am not allowed to participate in VILE brand imitation rice eating contests.

-Nobody actually “wins” in these contests.

-Especially not the Cleaners, who have to deal with the aftermath.

  1. I am not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
  2. I am not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul.

-Nor am I allowed to sell my own soul, or bet it while playing cards.

  1. I am not allowed to call any of the head faculty immoral, untrustworthy, lying, or slime, even if I’m right.
  2. I am not allowed to teach other operatives swear words or offensive phrases in my native language, under the guise of teaching them useful phrases.
  3. I am not allowed to ask Dr. Bellum if she’s high.

-Even if I’m pretty sure she is.

  1. Shadow-San does not watch Hentai, and I am not allowed to imply that he does.
  2. I am not allowed to tell any member of the head faculty that I am smarter than them.

-Especially if it is true.

  1. I am not allowed to have sex in the communal showers.
  2. I am not allowed to chew gum in class.

-Even if I brought enough for everyone.

  1. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

-Just because coach Brunt says it, doesn’t mean I’m allowed to.

  1. I am not allowed to steal alcohol from any member of the head faculty.

-They _will _notice.

  1. A proper response to any order given by a member of the head faculty is not “Why?”
  2. The following words and phrases may not be used in any official forms, documents, or written assignments- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone on this island and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
  3. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
  4. I am not allowed to conduct psychological experiments on other operatives.

-Even if professor Maelstrom says it’s okay.

  1. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
  2. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
  3. Crucifixes do not ward off professor Maelstrom, and I should not test that.
  4. I am not allowed to make pornography.

-Especially not in the showers (see rule #9).

  1. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by a head faculty member.
  2. I am not allowed to show up to class hungover.

-Even if the teacher of said class has done it.

  1. I am not allowed to list my gender on any form as “Pizza”.

-Even if I think everyone wants a piece of me.

  1. I am not allowed to take incriminating photos of any head faculty member.

-Nor am I allowed to create said photos in photoshop.

  1. Black Sheep does not have authority over me.

-“But Black Sheep said it was okay.” Is never a good excuse.

  1. My teammates are not “A bunch of furries.”
  2. This is not Survivor, and I cannot vote anyone off the island.
  3. I should not test how powerful my weapons are on any living thing.

-Especially not myself.

  1. Dr. Bellum is not _that _kind of doctor.
  2. I am not allowed to climb up into the ceiling.
  3. I am not allowed to hunt any of the wild animals living on the island.

-Even if I refer to it as “Survival training”.

  1. I am not allowed to re-enact anything from Jackass.
  2. Saying that I was dropped on my head at birth does not justify anything bad I have done.
  3. I am not allowed to start a cockroach racing ring.

-Or an ant fighting ring.

-I should not come in contact with any pest species unless I intend to kill them.

  1. Axe-bombing (taping down the button and using the canister as a grenade) is not a good way to make friends.
  2. I am banned from starting any sentence with “I’m sure none of you would dare…”
  3. I am not allowed to speculate on the sexualities or bedroom habits of any members of the head faculty.
  4. What Black Sheep considers a good idea is not necessarily a good idea in the eyes of the head faculty.
  5. In the event of two operatives getting into a fight with each other, I am not allowed to take bets.
  6. I am never allowed to utter the phrase, “What’s the worst that could happen?”
  7. I am not allowed to have a pet of any kind.
  8. If it involves glitter, I should assume I’m not allowed to do it.
  9. I am not allowed to attempt the cinnamon challenge.

-Nor am I allowed to convince other operatives to try it.

  1. Laser pointers are banned on the island.
  2. There is no school band, and I am not a part of it.
  3. I am not allowed to organize a fight club.
  4. I am not allowed to take life insurance policies out on any other operatives.
  5. I am not allowed to go streaking.
  6. I am not allowed to pretend to be dead.
  7. I am not allowed to sleep in class.

-Even if Countess Cleo’s lecture _is _particularly boring.

  1. I should not attempt to bribe any member of the head faculty.
  2. VILE is not the Legion of Doom, and I should stop referring to it as such.
  3. “Point and Laugh” is not a tactical maneuver.
  4. Yes, it gets pretty hot at times on the island. No, I am not allowed to strip down in order to try and cool off.
  5. I am not allowed to suggest to Dr. Bellum that we try anything they did on Mythbusters in class.

-Because she will.

  1. I am not allowed to start a food fight in the cafeteria.

-Or anywhere else, for that matter.

  1. I am not allowed to attempt to “Weaponize stupidity.”
  2. I am not allowed to scale the outside of the building without the explicit permission of coach Brunt.
  3. I am not in prison, and thus “Prison rules” do not apply.
  4. I am not a ninja.

-Everyone _can_, in fact, see me.

  1. My name is not Buck, and I am not here to fuck.
  2. VILE does not have nor need a theme song.
  3. Nothing is completely incapable of being used as a weapon, and I am not allowed to test this.
  4. Contests that involve sleep deprivation are banned.
  5. The smoke bombs in the supply room are for training purposes only.
  6. If it’s on the list, somebody was stupid enough to try it.
  7. I am not allowed to use weapons grade pepper spray as a condiment.

-No matter how bad the food being served that day in the cafeteria is.

  1. If I find it necessary to ask if something is allowed, I probably already know the answer.

-That answer is rarely yes.

  1. I am not allowed to attempt to brew moonshine.

-In fact, I am not allowed to attempt to produce any sort of alcohol.

  1. I am not allowed to organize a karaoke night.
  2. Hide and seek is not a proper trainer exercise.
  3. There is no suggestion box, and I am not allowed to create one.
  4. Except in the case of an emergency, I am only allowed to enter/exit classrooms through the door.
  5. I must always wear socks.
  6. Due to the pests mentioned in rule #34, I am not allowed to store food in my dorm room.
  7. I do not have super powers.
  8. I am not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the shooting range.
  9. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to any VILE operatives.
  10. We live on an island, so I can’t use traffic as an excuse for why I am late to class.
  11. The following phrases are considered fighting words, and I am not allowed to use them: “This is why my country is bombing your country,” “We kicked your asses in the war,” or any mention of the World Cup.


End file.
